There are days when my brain works better, and thus my mind works better. I start to think, trying to understand my situation, my day to day life or how I fit into the life of others. The problem with such questions, with just a basic ability to construct a logic argument in an attempt to figure things out, is that you cannot arrive very far in your understanding. My mind stops in the middle of several premises and then I ask myself ”what am I thinking about?” Or things become blurry and there’s this nothingness in my conscious thinking that I cannot escape.
These days I’m thinking about how I would not be alive if it weren’t for V., because I cannot work to have even the basic necessities covered, let alone to cover the cost of my treatment. And when I say I cannot work, it’s not that I’m picky about jobs – honestly, I am not well enough to even be a videochat model, which is by far the easiest job in the world. And why I could not do it? Because it involves talking with other people and being physically active, and I don’t have the cognitive or the physical abilities to do either. Even talking to my doctor and explaining my symptoms or asking for tests is an area where I tend to fail most of the times – which is why, for appointments where there are several things to discuss with my doctor, I ask V. to come with me and do the talking. Otherwise, I forget what I have to talk about, I don’t ask questions (because no question arises in my head) regarding doctor’s indications and so on. I’m like a child when it comes to face to face interactions.
I remember one day, there were two men at our door and they asked to come in to check the air conditioning in the apartment. I listened to them but my mind was not able to process any kind of response. A few seconds passed, I looked at them while I was trying to come up with something to do or say, I realized that the more time passes, the more awkward it gets so I did what any child would do – call their parents to deal with the unexpected situation. I called V. and, out of curiosity, I listened to the conversation so as I would know what to do or say in the future. And such situations are the new normal for me, whenever there’s something new, unexpected – be it a conversation with my doctor, with the nurses or other people.
But this post was supposed to be about Lyme and choices, specifically, the fact that V. doesn’t really have a choice to be with me or not. And I feel guilty for it, I never wanted to be the one to put someone in this position. I don’t know how to solve this predicament. Do I have a choice that will not affect him? Does he have a choice that will not affect him? What do we know? I don’t know. I’m doing my best to keep the guilty feeling at bay and just take every day at a time.