j’ai crié ma nuit vers toi
mais tu m’avait deja tourne le dos
me laissant nu et cloué dans les fonds de la misère
sachant que toi, tu n’es pas là et tu n’y seras jamais
je regarde l’ombre de ton absence qui m’emplit
et qui nourrit mon esprit avec cette seule vérité possible
des innombrables mondes réunis à l’intérieur de ce moment –
la vérité de ma solitude, la vérité de tes limites
laisse-toi emmené par mes murmures vers l’endroit qui t’appelle
car je comprends l’émerveillement de l’arche du ciel,
je comprends vie, peur, cri et soupir,
maintenant quand tout est accomplit.
Version originale :
mi-am strigat noaptea către tine
dar tu îți întorseseși deja fața de la mine
lăsându-mă gol și pironit în ale mizeriei măruntaie
știind că tu, tu nu ești acolo și nu vei fi vreodată
privesc la umbra lipsei tale care mă umple
și îmi satură spiritul cu singurul adevăr posibil
ale nenumăratelor lumi strânse-n acest moment –
adevărul solitudinii mele, adevărul limitelor tale
lasă-mi șoapta să te poarte către locul ce te cheamă,
căci înțeleg mirarea arcului de cer,
înțeleg viață, teamă, scâncet și oftat,
acum că totul s-a sfârșit.
It’s been almost 6 months since I started my Lyme treatment. I didn’t write about it more because my brain is very bad at organising and prioritizing information – a lot has happened and a lot is still happening, so what should I write about in a comprehensible mode? Today i feel like I can do a sort of summary.
I started the IV antibiotic Ceftriaxone on July 12 and it ended in the beginning of November. The reason was a ‘borderline’ EKG, which was interpreted by my family doctor as ‘increased QTc interval due to the IV antibiotic’. Although my doctor in BCA chose specifically this antibiotic because it does not affect the QT interval. A phone appointment with the BCA doctor two weeks later confirms that the QTc was not longer because of IV Ceftriaxone, but because of the herxheimer reaction – too many bacteria dying and their toxins/neurotoxins were not flushed out quick enough. A more recent EKG, after one and a half month without IV antibiotic, showed that my QTc was longer now than it was in the beginning of November – 453 vs. 451.
In November I asked my BCA doctor to switch to herbal antibiotics, at least until my QTc goes down and my doctor here can give me IV abx without worrying. My BCA doctor also told me that doctors are not familiar with what a herxheimer reaction is and explaining it to them is quite an impossible task. The way I understood it better – it’s similar to being poisoned (poisons are toxins/neurotoxins that affect the body in a number of ways). Now, that I’ve been off IV antibiotic for two months and I noticed that I am much better now than after 4 months of Ceftriaxone, I consider it a thing of the past. I decided to take my treatment in my own hands (what an improvement in the quality of my thinking!) after realising that I NEVER read any story, on any website or forum, of people who have entered a full remission after synthetic antibiotics treatment. All success stories have been from people who did a herbal antibiotics protocol, whether Buhner’s or Klinghardt’s — most of the time, after months or years of synthetic abx not doing much for them. I’m a rebel and this lady’s full recovery story stirred up something in me. That’s what I want for me.
What I didn’t tell either of the doctors was this – during the entire month of October, I’ve been taking a supplement which improves any Lyme treatment. It’s called DTC Plus. And I also added in, without permission, rosemary essential oil from time to time – this is a badass because it disrupts the communication between ALL bacteria in the body, so they cannot work as a pack to launch their next attack. Around that time I actually started having herxheimer reactions and liver pain at night. My experience with Ceftriaxone was that it gave me energy, and thanks to that energy, I could actually do the things that helped my body fight the bacterial load on its own (doing things around the house, walking every day and so on). But I don’t think it did much to kill the Lyme.
Actually, I don’t even know for sure if I’m fighting the active Borrelia infection or just a bad inflammatory response + Bartonella – they both can mess up the brain in unimaginable ways. My Lyme Elispot has been constantly showing no active fight against Borrelia, but my Bartonella Elispot showed that my body is fighting Bartonella. Anyway, this is pure speculation, based on what I’ve observed, since there’s still no test which is 100% accurate when it comes to borrelia, bartonella, babesia and other ‘obscure’ bacteria that steal the life of thousands and millions of people. We will get there surely, because it’s the disease which spreads fastest amongst all diseases and, even though big pharma cannot profit from it (synthetic abx don’t do much, so why have tons of costly research if no one will ever be able to make big money from it?!), governments will be forced to spend a lot of money on developing tests at least. Or when big pharma will find a way to have intellectual property over Mother Nature’s best treatments.
Considering that I’ve had real progress in the last two months only using herbal antibiotics and fighting inflammation with the best from Mother nature (myrrh and frankincese), I will not go back to synthetic antibiotics. Never ever had I had a herx so bad that it kept me up all night from Ceftriaxone + Mynocicline. Yet, three days ago it happened from a few drops of antibiotic essential oils rubbed on my neck. On the other hand, my BCA doctor said that there’s no standard treatment, everything is a trial and error. I will bet all the time I spend to beat the disease on the treatments that always work – the herbal antibiotics. They are powerful enough to kill the MRSA superbugs, and borrelia is not a superbug, just a slimy little thing that has had billions of years of perfecting its survival techniques.
There are days when my brain works better, and thus my mind works better. I start to think, trying to understand my situation, my day to day life or how I fit into the life of others. The problem with such questions, with just a basic ability to construct a logic argument in an attempt to figure things out, is that you cannot arrive very far in your understanding. My mind stops in the middle of several premises and then I ask myself ”what am I thinking about?” Or things become blurry and there’s this nothingness in my conscious thinking that I cannot escape.
These days I’m thinking about how I would not be alive if it weren’t for V., because I cannot work to have even the basic necessities covered, let alone to cover the cost of my treatment. And when I say I cannot work, it’s not that I’m picky about jobs – honestly, I am not well enough to even be a videochat model, which is by far the easiest job in the world. And why I could not do it? Because it involves talking with other people and being physically active, and I don’t have the cognitive or the physical abilities to do either. Even talking to my doctor and explaining my symptoms or asking for tests is an area where I tend to fail most of the times – which is why, for appointments where there are several things to discuss with my doctor, I ask V. to come with me and do the talking. Otherwise, I forget what I have to talk about, I don’t ask questions (because no question arises in my head) regarding doctor’s indications and so on. I’m like a child when it comes to face to face interactions.
I remember one day, there were two men at our door and they asked to come in to check the air conditioning in the apartment. I listened to them but my mind was not able to process any kind of response. A few seconds passed, I looked at them while I was trying to come up with something to do or say, I realized that the more time passes, the more awkward it gets so I did what any child would do – call their parents to deal with the unexpected situation. I called V. and, out of curiosity, I listened to the conversation so as I would know what to do or say in the future. And such situations are the new normal for me, whenever there’s something new, unexpected – be it a conversation with my doctor, with the nurses or other people.
But this post was supposed to be about Lyme and choices, specifically, the fact that V. doesn’t really have a choice to be with me or not. And I feel guilty for it, I never wanted to be the one to put someone in this position. I don’t know how to solve this predicament. Do I have a choice that will not affect him? Does he have a choice that will not affect him? What do we know? I don’t know. I’m doing my best to keep the guilty feeling at bay and just take every day at a time.